By Roman Sherman
(Off white inter-title card with small TNR cap font zooms into focus reading “ AND NOW A BRIEF MESSAGE FROM PETA” )
BLACK, THEN CAMERA FOCUSES IN ON SCENE
WHITE NONDESCRIPT CUBICLE
UNNAMED MAN #1, Friendly but stern faced, dressed in a poorly fitting white button down shirt and casual black slacks, tensely stands in the center of the room, staring uncomfortably at camera
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!
RED, CAMERA FOCUSES ON SCENE
WHITE WALLED, SYMMETRICAL ROOM, no furniture except for a table with one chair. On the table rests a silver domed plate containing PORKY In the chair with rigid posture sits
MIKE, Mid 20’s, clothed in a red t-shirt and well fitting denim pants. Dead eyed but attractive
(staring uncomfortably at the camera, saying all lines forced and robotically)
Golly gee, I am ready to dig into this juicy steak. At this point I am sure that there will be no repercussions for my decision to eat this meat.
MIKE looks at chrome dome on table and reaches to grasp handle. Mike lifts dome then revealing…
PORKY, mid 1’s beefsteak, dressed in only herbs and a mild vinaigrette. PORKY sits on white plate. Two googly eyes and paper mouth cut out flush out PORKY’s features. When PORKY speaks, the plate gyrates signalling consciousness.
Yup siree I am redeee for some FOOD
MIKE lifts fork and steak knife aggressively and forced
(Speaking in robust brooklin vernacular)
WHOO YOU THINK YOU BOUT TO COP A PIECE OF MEE?
(Vocal intonation shifts to very serious and quiet)
Yes… um sorry do I know you?
Heya pal its me porky the beefsteak, the toughest beefsteak in the tri-burrough area. Iah came here tonite to tell you a bit about a the way things work around here
(tenor and meek)
I’m sorry this is not in the script… what’s happening guys
Whoah that’s not how it works around here buddy you look at me when youre talking and you speak when you’re spoken too.
No this is definitely not on the script (pulls out a script) you see it says that I eat the steak here and then…(loses train of thought) what is this some joke or something like I just wanted…
Hey mothafucka does it look like I’m jokin heah?
No I’m not…
I said DOES IT LOOK LIKE IM MOTHERFUCKIN JOKIN YA BITCH ASS MADERFUKKA?!
(gun appears on table)
Ok guys this is enough I get it
STOP INTERRUPTING ME YOU LITTLE RAT BASTARD
(Beefsteak starts vibrating voraciously)
OK. let’s just say this was actually a part of the script. Where does it go from here? Like why in the name of christ would there be a vibrating beefsteak swearing with a New York accent?? Beefsteaks don’t even have arms like why is this gun even relevant in this situation?? How does this make any sense at all??
CAMERA TURNS AWAY FROM SCENE FOR SEVERAL SECONDS, WHEN IT TURNS BACK, PORKY IS MOUNTED ON THE FACE OF A HAIRY MUSCULAR MAN WEARING A TYPICAL 1960’s GANGSTER SUIT
WHO DOESN’T HAVE ARMS NOW YOU LITTLE
CRAKAH ASS MOFUKAH
PORKY grabs MIKE forcefully and places him in a headlock between his pronounced arm muscles.
YOU STILL THINK THIS IS SOME FUCKIN JOKE??
PORKY grabs and cocks gun and places it against MIKE’s shaking head
YOU STILL FIND THIS FUNNY HUH???
This guy is seriously hurting me. Wait holy shit is that gun real?? What the fuck is this?? GET ME OUT OF HERE THIS IS NOT FUNNY GUYS!!!
No you’re gonna open your little bitch ears and listen to me! You thought you could just come in here with your prissy ass button up and take a bite out of me? PORKY? And even after I tell you who I am you don’t give me respect. I got connections. Mi familia is the biggest meat based crime syndicate in all of Brooklyn. We know what shit you’re up to.
I have no idea what you’re talking about just please put the gun down and we can talk about it!! Please!
(pushing Mike further against the wall)
I know what you ate for breakfast Mike. Sausage links. Motherfucking sausage links. D’you know what percent beef those links are? God damn 20%!! That was my little nephew Vinnie in there! I’ll never see his chubby face again. And we don’t forget shit like that in our family!
(places gun on MIKES forhead)
No please!! Whoever you are!! I’ll give you anything just let me go!!
ITS TOO LATE FOR THAT
A single gunshot is heard
CUT TO MIKES DEAD BODY WITH BLOOD POOLING OUT OF HEAD SPELLING “MEAT KILLS”
CAMERA FADES TO WHITE
WHITE NONDESCRIPT CUBICLE
Beef is high in bad cholesterol and calories making it the #1 cause of death among US citizens. Voting with your pocketbook is the only way to prolong your life and save your family from a hell of cardiovascular disease. Support PETA and stop eating meat today.
This scene is so Coen Brothers and I absolutely love it.