By Joseph Uchi

Privileges have been abundant in my favor since the day i was born. A caring mother and father. Sweethearts full of love for each other and me. Family that laughed and cried together. Family that drifted further and further while staying close as if they never left each other’s arms. Two sides of my life. Indescribable feelings that i was unaware of. I never had problems to speak of even if i were to point out some things they were just very minor. People around me had problems and struggles. I never struggled much. I enjoyed my backyard and toys while the people around me wanted to play but helped with other things. I was spoiled. They weren’t. God bless their souls. I never knew how hard their life was until I put myself in their shoes. How different my life was. I was a stranger to my family yet i loved them. I thought I could relate. Childish thinking yes. My parents grew up with little. I grew up worrying about my next present. My “friends” never related or cared much for me. I was just there, not apart of the group. My mother tired of my talking and father tired of me all around. I love them. I was just a job for them. My cousins connected while i tried so hard to be one of them. They were better in experience and in general. My uncles and aunts were the same. My grandparents the same. I love them but they differ. I’m alone yet surrounded by people who don’t really care about me but some people would kill for what i have. I don’t care much because i feel loved at the same time i don’t. My god loves me as i was told. Am i loved though? My country loves me as i was told. No i don’t think so. My brother, my dear brother looks up to someone else as a brother and not me. I love him, he loves others. I hug him. He stands there. I cry at night knowing I’m alone with myself to depend on though my body doesn’t care either. Who am I then? Do i exist? I pretend I’m sick to see if my mother would care for me. Drink some medicine. She sleeps. My whole life she slept. I play instruments and sports to see if my dad notices. Shh. He goes to the room and watches videos. My whole life he’s been in that room. I learn how to play games good to see if my cousins want to play. They talk with others. Everyone’s the same. My acquaintances are foreign. I learn how to draw and design to see if i can impress myself. Too bad i give up. I pray on my knees to see if god answers. He doesn’t. He’s been quiet my whole life.
Years and years go by as that feeling goes numb.
I fight myself literally to see i can feel it. I feel good because i know i can do something right. My grades slam that feeling away. My future points the gun at my head. My loneliness pulls the trigger. Too bad its metaphorical. I love life though, my privilege tells me. I’ll keep living. They’re people who would kill for the life i have. I’m grateful yet resentful for my privileges. Some people are grateful for the little they have. I’m here FEELING. There are kids who make their family happy and accomplishing many things while I disappoint and regress my state of being. I waste money on things i want but it kid my mom inside. She would prefer to have another son who is actually a somebody. My father would prefer a SON. My brother would prefer a BROTHER. Too bad I cannot meet their expectations. I cannot meet any. Some people would kill for a life like mine. I’d rather help them than switch places because they’d feel nothing. My teeth rotting and my skin drying. My eyes sinking and body inflates. God laughs at me. The devil beckons me. I lie to myself that people care but they care if I’m doing something. Some people would kill for my privileges. Goodnight.

This is my life story. My thoughts. Some of it exaggerated but necessary. I’m not good at literature and i wrote this in 5 minutes. These are my thoughts. I love you to whomever reads my stuff because I love my life and the people who take part in the world I live in.